Well this week is certainly proving to be interesting.

Meet me. Not in the common room or our dorm.

This has been the longest fifteen days of my life and I suppose that I know that I am very much to blame for it. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week and it never stops hurting. I keep lashing out because I regret how everything happened. I know that speaking to Gus is an impossibility now. I don't know if he'd listen to me if I tried. He never tried to get me to change his my mind though. I'm bothered by what happened with Grayson. I could have replied to what he said and maybe things would have turned out differently. I can't help but wonder about the 'what ifs' because that's who I am. I wouldn't be true to myself if I sat here and didn't openly admit to thinking it.

I think what took me so long to get to this point is knowing his hands were on Charis. The fact he kissed her and held her. It's selfish but I don't think it's fair that he had someone to comfort him and I've had to go through all of this alone. I don't think Irwin's leftover liquor supplies count in the same way physical comfort goes. When I needed someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay all I got was cold-shoulders and insult. This is the way it feels like it always is though. Everyone else gets hurt or insulted and everyone rushes to save them. Everyone wants to coddle and comfort them. I feel alone. I don't know what is up with Will.

I think the thing that has me the most down is my doubt that there is anyone out there that actual thinks about me and cares about how I'm doing. They're all so wrapped up in what I'm doing that I don't think anyone has taken the time to see I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm trying so hard though and if I do nothing else right I will correct some of my wrongs before the end of this school year. I might now be able to undo the dreadful things that I've done or unsay the words that came out. I can do the best I can in my own little way.

I've figured it out. The best time for me to hit the kitchens is between lunch and dinner tomorrow. With corpses and torture, no one is going to pay attention to it. It isn't as if anyone in my house actually acknowledges that I'm there anyways. All I have to do is be inside the Common Room by an appropriate time. I just hope that Ioan agrees to help. I stand more of a chance at getting through to Grayson if Gus is not there to dissuade him. This is hoping against hope that he's even still open to listening. Not that it's actually listening. It's just apology cupcakes. If I get caught, I guess it'll be my apology detention. I wonder if I could arrange to have Gus and Grayson torture me. Cruciatus and 'I'm sorry' probably go hand in hand.

Er, yeah though - Back to cupcakes! Should I write a note? What should it even say? I mean, I don't know if we can ever go back to how things were. I don't actually know if sudo-friendships are something you can get back to. I just know that I miss having him in my life. Six years a whole lot of time of doing something to just suddenly go dry turkey with.

Some people are like crack addicts but I'm like a friendship junkie. I can't let go of people. I can't let go of things. I simply can't let go. If he'd said he hated me, it would be so much easier. He wanted me to change my mind though. He also snogged Charis though. Oh bleeding hell! I bloody hate this and I bloody hate everyone. I want to go home where I don't have to think about it anymore. How could I not think about it when I sit at a table with people who don't talk to me approximately three times a day and my only options are to look above me at corpses or around the room and my eyes naturally gravitate certain ways.

Maybe I should talk to Charis.

I have no willpower and I need your help.

Hi! I know we're not exactly bezzy friends or anything but I need your help with something simple and I was wondering if you might be willing to help. I want to do something nice for someone to say I'm sorry and I was wondering if you might help me get them to said person because they're in your house.

Obviously, your ability to keep secrets is of the utmost importance.

Can you meet me after dinner tomorrow for a package?

I am no longer going to reply to anything without warding it. I am no longer writing in this thing without a ward either. I'm done giving them things to criticize or work with. I can't wait to be finished with this place! Only eight more days left in the month though. This has been the worst month ever. I won't be sad to see it go.

I wish that I could sleep in the Great Hall with the other houses and the corpses.

Will, I hate this.

Would you be interested in helping me with charms? I can't seem to get the lessons from last week down and I'd hate to get left behind.

I don't really need help but I miss you. Books are all I have left in my arsenal.

I understand if you're busy or you're uninterested but I thought it was worth a try.

I don't think I'm actually managing to learn anything anymore. It's impossible to concentrate between the violence and disappearances. I'm trying to figure out what they mean but all I can figure out is that we're heading down a road to somewhere I don't know that I want to go. I don't know if I'm adult enough to be making these sorts of decisions or to be thinking about the things that I'm having to think about.

I inventoried my personal belongings and it turns out that I really don't have anything in value. I don't care what what happens to my things. I'll make a list for my family but if the school blows up, I don't care - nothing is irreplaceable. People are though. I hate how things are right now. I hate the fact that there is a barrier between me and the people that I love right now. I don't know what I'd do if Ruby needed space from me. I almost feel like starting a fight with Gus just to hear his voice. That has the be the saddest thing that I've ever written in my entire life.

Speaking of sad, I started letters. I'm starting with the hardest one's first. Two down and many more to go. I think I'll hide them under my four-poster for now. There is less chance of someone finding them there. I think I need a hug. I need more than a hug. I need to hug people. I think I'm going to try my luck and hug the person I want to hug and if they don't like it then I'm going to go find one of the R's. I think people who have names that start with R's are all affectionate by nature. Ruby & Ritchie! Ritchie & Ruby! Rubchie! Ritchy! I am wasting so much ink.

I wonder what Will is doing right now.

I'm not going to respond to anything they say to me. I'm not going to look at them and I'm not going to think about them. It's that easy. Okay, it's not that easy but maybe if I keep telling myself that it will be. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to make it through the rest of this year and then I'm going to get so far away that they'll not be able to hurt me. I've done this to myself but it doesn't change the fact I feel awful. I can't blame this on them. I know that while I did not start the fire, I certainly didn't do anything to put it out. I went after Blythe because I saw the opportunity. All it's done is bring me misery. I guess it goes without saying that you reap what you sow.

The anger is wearing off and deep sadness is moving in to take it's place. I wish that there was someone out there would get it but I don't think they would. I think the only people who even come close to knowing how I feel are dead. It's like they're ghosts. I can't get rid of them. Max told me once upon a time that the pain numbs but it never goes away. He's happy now. He's got Madelyn. I think she's good for him. I'm not anywhere near where he was. I wasn't betrothed to Gus or Grayson. If Max can get over losing someone that mattered to him, I can deal with losing a few friends.

I think what hurts the most is knowing how close we once all were and seeing how little they're willing to fight to save our friendship. Why should I bother when they obviously care so little. I'm sure Gus is off sucking off the face of that hypocrite Blythe Hancock. Ugh, I've got to get this in check. I have to get this out of my system before it destroys me completely. That's if it hasn't already. When the dust settles, what is going to be left for me?

Will wants to do this the proper way. He wants to meet my father DURING THE SUMMER. Do you even know how far that is away? It's a really, really long time away. Entirely too long.

I'm going to die! I can't concentrate and I'm supposed to be heading to Astronomy. I could really care less about planetary and solar system formation.

How am I supposed to behave when I want him and I think he wants me but he's being a stubborn, overprotective idiot!

That was hands down the best surprise you've ever given me. Let's hope that put a stop to her reign of terror or next time it'll probably be less 'accidental'. I do have a list of ways I'd love to get back at her.